What a thought. I don't know about you mamas but, I sometimes struggle with feelings of insecurity and unworthiness when it comes to motherhood and finding confidence in who I am. No matter what we do or what our ideals, there's always someone, somewhere, looking for a person, mama, girl, complete stranger just like us to take their frustrations out on. I can't tell you how many times that someone was me.
Growing up, I didn't understand grace. I didn't realize that I needed it or that I didn't have to do a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g. for it to be offered to me. All I knew was what the media, the ads on TV and in the mall, the girls in my school and the teachers I saw everyday, the people I spent the most time with were telling me. I needed to be better than the girl next to me. I needed to be prettier. Skinnier. Tanner. Trendier. More liked. My smile needed to shine brighter and my attitude needed to exude that I was worth something. Friends, what an exhausting way to live.
When I was a young girl, my neighbor invited me and my family to go to church with her one Sunday. To me, my family seemed like "good people". But, we didn't attend church anywhere. Memories can be a bit fuzzy at that age but, I remember we began attending pretty regularly. Sometimes we would ride with her and, occasionally, our entire family would go together. I know just going to church didn't change me right away. But, I began to see how the girls there acted and treated one another and, then I began to realize that, they had something I didn't.
I attended for the next few years and even went to church camp for a few. I remember one of the last nights of camp one year, I was probably sixteen, there was an alter call and I went forward. Probably not fully understanding what I needed but knowing deep in my heart that I wanted a life different than the one that I had. I'm not saying my life was bad at that time. I just didn't have Christ. I remember going forward the following two nights as well and just crying and praying and asking God to forgive me and to come into my heart. We were with a group from our church and one of the leaders asked me the third night, "What's going on? Haven't we done this?".
We've recently began a new study in my ladies group. It's by Angela Thomas-Pharr and it's called "Redeemed". (You can watch the promo video here) In one of the session videos, she spoke about going forward for years and years and asking the same thing over and over again. Through tears she would beg the Lord for forgiveness and ask Him to come into her heart and save her. She said that one day while she was in the process of asking again she heard, felt really, deep down in her soul, "I had you the first time". . .
It makes me wonder, how much anxiety and worry have I let consume me these past few years. Fear of, am I saved? Do I really have the Lord living inside me? If I die right here, right now, will I make it to Heaven? I'm here to tell you that, if your life is changed. If you realize the depth of your sin and you're intentionally working to be better for Christ. If you look at the world and see sadness but also see the beauty of the Lord and all of His goodness. If you've asked Him to come into your heart and you've confessed your sins and continue to pray daily. You're already there. You don't have to listen to the devil's lies about your salvation. We all make mistakes. We all fall short. But, that's the absolute beauty of the free gift of grace. We don't have to be anything but u s to accept it. There is nothing we could ever do to deserve such a lavish gift. But, there's nothing we can do for it to be taken away either. Even if we begin to stray, He will always be there, beckoning us back.
The Lord loves you and He wants to abide in you, if you'll only open your heart to Him.
To my young, sixteen year old self, I'd say this. Yes, you're a sinner. Yes, you've made bad choices. You've lied and cheated and shimmied your way to the top as best as you could, which was a pretty poor attempt most of the time. You've thrown people under the bus (metaphorically speaking) and gotten pretty darn good at that stank face (you know the one). You've done all of those things. But, the Lord. He did so much more than you ever could. And He wants you to know that you're forgiven. So, don't sulk in your sadness and self pity and doubt. Rejoice in what He's done for you and be done with this. Shake off the dust of this world and look to Heaven. Focus on that. On all of the beauty and glory that awaits you there.
There are so many things that break my heart daily. Things I read in the news or see on social media. Truly, truly unimaginable things, happening every day. And I think, how could anyone ever survive this life without the love and grace of the Lord. I. just. can't. fathom. How very lonely it must be, and now I realize why some people are the way they are. They just can't shake off the dust.
Instead of being one of those instigators today. The ones that try their best to make people crumble and shut out even the slightest glimmer of happiness in another's life. Might you be uplifting to them? Let them see that little something inside of you that has given you such an understanding of their sorrow and then share with them the source of your j o y. The love of the Lord really is a joy isn't it? That's who I want to be. I want to be real and honest and genuine. And I want to show people love. Not what the world would have us believe is love. But, the love of an almighty God who loved you enough to give literally everything He had. Everything. That's what I want to be about.
