How distracted I've felt lately. The days seem as if they're flying by and, more often than not, I'm finding myself in a sort of funk that I just can't quite seem to get clear of. I don't quite know the source of it but, I'm beginning to see that it's maybe not one specific thing. I think it's a score of different feelings and influences and things that really just don't matter. Why is it so easy sometimes to fall into that groove of doing things just to do them? Why can't it, instead, be effortless to live fully and in the moment and soak in every special, important thing you come across. I guess then the things that really matter would seem much more mundane and ordinary.
I sincerely hope that this life I'm living isn't one that doesn't make some sort of positive difference in someone else's. That the tasks I do daily and the decisions I make on the regular have some kind of effect on the grand scheme of things..
I'm so so happy with where I am right now. I have SO MUCH. I've just been a little more aware of how "ungrateful" I've been feeling lately and I h a t e i t .
I read a quote recently that really struck me and I'll share it with you now.
"I do think women can have it all, but not at the same time.
Our life comes in segments, and we have to understand that we can
have it all if we're not trying to do it all at once."
- Madeleine Albright
I saw someone in instaland share that and I just thought.. How. true.
As a wife, mama, friend and daughter, I do sometimes feel like I want it all. I want a thriving home life, the perfect relationship with my husband, for my children to love and adore me, to have regularly scheduled date nights as well as unapologetic me-time. I want to be the friend that is turned to when something is wrong, not because I always have the right answer. But, because I'm always willing to help. I want to be on top of everything I volunteer to do and I want to do it all on another level. Is that really too much to ask??..
I think maybe I'm getting to the source of my "funk". Is it possible that I could be over analyzing every little thing I'm doing, thinking, saying, in an effort to try and change it? Change me? I have to say, that feels like pretty dangerous territory.
I have to decide here and now to stop obsessing over the things that I can't change. The things that are so microscopic that they make absolutely no difference, except when I turn them into unavoidable hurdles. I HAVE to make a conscience effort to redirect my thoughts in a positive way so that I can, in turn, redirect my actions and words.
What do I think will help me with all of this? Jesus. The word of God. Reading my Bible Study and really thinking about all it has to say... Sunshine. Springtime. Spending our days outside exploring and playing and laying on a blanket in the grass. Packing a snack and going on a walk. Visiting friends and family and putting my focus on all the INCREDIBLE things that I have RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. . .
I am so blessed, that's not lost on me. I just sometimes feel myself getting caught up in the things this world says makes our lives great. The expectations of strangers (and of some of those close to us) and how I am completely and utterly failing. I know it's normal and ordinary to feel this way. I mean, who doesn't feel pressure and judgement at some point or other..?..
It's how we deal with that, I think. How we choose to process and then, ultimately, let go of it all. And I do want to let go. Of it ALL. I want to be here and present in the life I'm living and the family I am a part of. They're my happy place and there's no where I'd rather be.
So, in the days and weeks (and years) to come, I want to press into the blessings the Lord has given me. I want to love them and cherish them and live this life without regrets. I really didn't mean for this to be such a deep and thoughtful post. But, like I've conveyed in older posts, I want this space to be real. I need it to be. So, here it is. I'm laying it all out there. :)
Soak up your life guys. You never, NEVER know when it could be over and who wants to waste it all on meaningless junk that we can't take with us anyway?..
"Breathe deep and trust : He is with you in the margins.
When you cannot find your place, He will wrap you in His grace."
- Morgan Harper Nichols
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