I've been thinking a lot about intention lately. How I spend my time when I'm home with the boys every single minute and what, if any of it, will matter in the days, weeks and years to come. I want to use my time wisely. Whether it's doing laundry, loading the dishwasher, helping the boys through schoolwork, fitting in my Bible Study or taking time for me. How I tackle my daily tasks and to-do lists and react to the issues the boys bring to my attention are super important to me. I know now, probably more than ever, that they're watching every single thing I do. They see me wake up in the morning and immediately jump on my phone to scroll a little while I shake the brain fog. They see me take my breakfast to the living room to sit and watch "Gilmore Girls" or "Friends" while I eat. They see me scrolling through insta or pinterest while they're working problems and don't need my help. They see me choosing to worry more about how long it's going to take me to clean up the cup of milk they spilled than how they're feeling because they made such a big mess. They see it all.
As a mother, I know there will obviously be times when my children don't agree with or like me very much. They'll probably feel a bit anxious for independence by the time we finish school, I feel like that's pretty normal. But, I also want them to love the feeling they get when they come home. To know that their daddy and I love them more than anything else and really sought to put them first eighty percent of the time when they were growing up. I want them to think back and remember playing board games on the little round yellow table in the living room. Of blasting the fireplace til it's nearly eighty degrees in the living room and having almost the entire afternoon to just play and explore outside. I want them to remember all the important things. Like eating together as a family, praying before our meals, how Tyler only shuts one eye when he's praying most of the time and how he yells at his Daddy that "We pray first!" if he tries to sneak a bite beforehand.
I'm learning more and more each day that these moments with my boys are fleeting. I've probably shared thoughts along these lines before but, man, they are just at the forefront of my mind lately.
Am I doing all that I can to meet and exceed my family's needs? I don't just mean the obvious ones like, a nutritious meal or clean clothes. I mean the deep-rooted ones that will carry them through to adulthood and ultimately forge who they'll become and what type of family they'll have. You know the ones I'm talking about. I've determined to pray for my boys daily. That the Lord would help me and their Daddy to guide them in the ways of the Bible and that He would give me the strength (and patience) to be fully present in the little moments as well. Often times, I think we have so much going on at once that we feel torn to do well in every single thing we're mixed up in. While the majority of those things are most likely really good things, we need to realize that the time we have to shape and tend to our family in the ways we do right now is slipping by. And quickly. Is there something I can put on hold for now in order to put more of my time into playing with my toddler? Maybe an obligation that is a great thing but, takes away more opportunities to be with my family and just isn't worth it to me right now?
I've considered this. I've done this. Letting go of certain expectations that others have for me so that I can be more fully present in the life of my family. And, while it can make me feel anxious and on-edge at first, it ALWAYS pays off in the end. And, when it comes down to it, I would much rather soak in my children and husband than give my energy to something else that just doesn't matter as much to me.
I just don't want to miss it.. To look back ten, fifteen, even twenty years from now and think, where did the time go? I know I'll always think about that in a way. I already do. But, I don't want to wonder where I was in all of it. That's what I'm trying to get at. I want my children to remember me being there. Playing, exploring, make-believing right along side them. And still being happy and loving my life. That's the most important thing to me. That they know how much I REALLY loved being their mom. Even through those hard times (and years..hello teenagers..).
Anyway, that's a little glimpse at my thought process lately. How to let go of some things to be more present in others. And, it's been liberating. Happy Tuesday friends!! I pray this week is a GREAT one!
| OUTFIT DETAILS |
fringe cardigan | NUAGE (found it in grey on Poshmark)
tank top | Walmart
jeans | Target
booties | Old Navy (very similar)
purse | Steve Madden (thrifted, similar here)
earrings | (made by a friend) similar from Nickel & Suede
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